I am very aware that this can be a difficult day for many and, if this is you, my thoughts are with you .
My son has just given his dad the card and presents, wished him a Happy Father’s Day and then they both went off to do their own thing. This interaction is never quite how I would hope (filled with and
) but I have to remind myself that is what I want and not what they are! They love each other dearly but it can be a rocky ride at times.
My own family dynamic can sometimes create challenges, frustration and friction between myself and my partner. I end up doing the lion’s share of the work around the SEN journey while he takes a back seat and lets me get on with it. I often feel resentment about this, but I do have to remind myself that, however hard I find it, he also struggles too but in a different way. I am also somewhat of a force when it comes to my son, so I have to be conscious of that too!
I remember reading something recently that really hit home for me. It went something like this:
Traditionally, a father’s role in parenting has been to prepare a child for adulthood, teach them life skills and get them ready for ‘the real world’. A mum might take more of a role with supporting, nurturing and helping with emotional development. (Please don’t berate me for being in any way sexist – there is a long evolution of these roles and they are changing, but it has been this way for a long time and change does not happen overnight.)
For some SEN children, the preparation for adulthood may need to take a backseat and they may need more nurturing, emotional support and parenting in a way that has traditionally been the role of a mum. So, this can lead to a dad feeling a little bit lost, redundant and rejected. I am painfully aware of this in my own situation.
Sometimes (but not always), dads might struggle more than mums with being a parent of a child with special educational needs (SEN) due to several factors:
- Societal Expectations: Traditional gender roles often place the expectation on fathers to be the primary breadwinner, which can limit their time and involvement in caregiving and understanding the child’s needs. While this has changed and continues to change, it may still play a part in family dynamics.
- Emotional Expression: Men have historically been socialised to suppress emotions and not seek help. While the winds of change are blowing, this can still play a part which can hinder their ability to cope with the emotional challenges of parenting a child with SEN.
- Support Networks: Mothers often have more robust social support networks and are more likely to seek and receive support from friends, family, and professional services.
- Involvement in Care: Studies show that mothers are still to this day more involved in the day-to-day care of children, giving them more direct experience and understanding of their child’s needs.
- Stigma and Identity: Fathers may struggle with feelings of failure or inadequacy if they cannot “fix” or adequately support their child resulting from the historical expectations on them, impacting their identity and self-worth.
- Access to Resources: Fathers might not be as aware of or have access to resources and support systems designed to help parents of children with SEN.
These factors, combined with the unique pressures of each family’s situation, can contribute to why dads might, in some situations, find it challenging in these circumstances.
DISCLAIMER: This does not apply to everyone. This is meant in the nicest way possible and is not at all about blame or in any way being derogatory about dads! It’s just some people’s reality and important to acknowledge.