By Sam Ryan 14/02/2025
PARENTING PLOT TWIST – THE ROAD LESS EXPECTED
The behaviourist approach is based on the idea that behaviour is learned through rewards and consequences, focusing on shaping actions rather than understanding the underlying needs or emotions driving them. For ND kids expected to meet the expectations of a NT world, this can lead to masking, anxiety and unmet needs.
When our kids are born, this is often the approach we may take. We don’t know any different and this has been conditioned into us as the right and the only approach. Supernanny (Jo Frost) captured a generation of parents who wanted to recreate the magic that they saw on their screens. She was a real-life Mary Poppins, repairing families and ‘fixing’ the behaviours of unruly kids. I am not giving any opinions on the merits of Supernanny (I have watched endless hours of the show myself), but we are all well aware that this societal expectation of how parents should parent has been extremely detrimental to many of us here at SEN Parent Support Group.
From the moment our children are born, there’s an unspoken roadmap laid out for them. Nursery, primary school, secondary school, exams, university, career, kids, repeat. But what happens when your child steps off that path? When school becomes a place of anxiety instead of learning? When burnout, unmet needs, or simply who they are makes the ‘normal’ route impossible?
It’s terrifying. Because everything we’ve been told says that missing school means missing out. That struggling in education means struggling in life. But that’s not the whole truth.
I know, because I’ve walked that different path myself.
I was academic. Expectations were high. University was the only outcome anyone could imagine for me. And yet, two months before my A-level exams, I quit. I had done no work. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t concentrate, despite my potential. It was years before I understood why – years before I realised that I was neurodivergent in a system that wasn’t built for me.
And despite all of that? I built a successful career. I thrived. Not in the way that was planned for me, but in the way that worked for me.
When my son stepped off the ‘expected’ path in March last year, I was terrified. All my partner wanted from me was a plan ‘how do we get him back on the path?’ I couldn’t answer. I tried. I turned it over in my mind, searching for a way to make it all fit again. But the more I looked, the clearer it became: Our own thinking was creating stress. The ingrained version of what life ‘should’ be for our son was putting more pressure on all of us. Realising that set us free.
It allowed us to release some of the pressure and follow our son instead of forcing him to follow us on a path that was never right for him in the first place.
And the most incredible thing? I trust our 10-year-old boy to lead us down his path. That might sound strange, but I really do. He is resilient, determined, and so much stronger than I ever realised. Some days the doubt can creep back in (I watched ALOT of Supernanny!). But other days, I think our amazing boy is smarter than us all. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot leave every decision up to our boy otherwise every penny I earn would be spent on v-bucks, Minecoins and pizza!
Our children may not follow the path that schools, professionals, or even we once imagined for them. And that’s OK.
Success is not a straight road. Happiness is not a straight road.
If your child is out of school, if they are struggling, if you’re staring into the unknown wondering what happens next – I see you. It’s scary. But stepping off the expected path doesn’t mean stepping into failure. It just means finding a different way. One that works for them.
So, if it is right for you, maybe scrap the behaviourist approach and let’s create our own ‘Supportist Approach’ based on the idea that, instead of trying to modify behaviour, we support our kid’s needs. It’s a pretty simple concept really!
I’d love to hear from you—have you or your child taken a different path than the one expected? How has it shaped your journey? Let’s remind each other that there are many roads to a fulfilling life.
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