SEND: A Diary of a Y7 AuDHD boy.

By someone who “looks normal” An honest glimpse into neurodivergence through a 12 year old!

Morning Thoughts

I wake up already feeling like I’m losing. My chest’s heavy and my thoughts are fuzzy, like bees flying in every direction. School feels like a storm coming. I sharpen my pencil three times before I even leave the house. I don’t know why, but it helps me feel… ready, I guess? Like if I just do things a certain way, maybe today will be okay.

My mum talks to me like she knows I’m wobbling inside, even when I don’t say anything. She’s like my shield, even when I don’t know what I need shielding from.

Mask on: Let the pretending begin.

I am diagnosed Autistic with Demand Avoidance, I am also ADHD with extreme Social Anxiety.

First Period: English

The teacher says “Get on with the task.” There’s loads of writing on the board lots of steps, bits of instruction but it just looks like a blur. I stare at it, trying to fit it together like a jigsaw where none of the pieces match.

I sharpen my pencil. Fiddle with my sleeve. Try not to let my panic crawl up my throat. I look busy, because if I ask for help, people will think I’m slow. So I don’t, I just distract myself.

And I look normal, right? So how could I possibly be confused?

Second Period: Maths

“Do this now.” That phrase knocks the air out of me. Doesn’t matter if I want to do it, I freeze.

Sometimes I have little things I need to do first like lining up my pens, tapping my shoe, checking my bag twice. I don’t plan it. It just happens.

I wish teachers would say things like: “How can I help you” instead of sending me out of class or giving me a detention for “not listening”. I do try to listen, it just doesn’t make sense to me. No one is listening to me or has the time to help me so I continue to distract myself. A double lesson is a long time to sit and look into space or pretend I know what they are talking about.

Lunch Break

This bit should be relaxing. It’s not. It’s noisy, people move too fast, and I’m always worried about doing something wrong like saying the wrong thing or accidently bumping into someone.

Even if I’m laughing, I’m still worried. Even if I’m with friends, and I have only 2, I’m still anxious. Even if no one’s said anything, my brain has already built a whole story of what might go wrong and it seems to be on loop constantly thinking about what happened in the last lesson and what I might need to do in the next lesson. My brain is never completely free – ever!

I know the rules, but I forget them. I like rules, routines but they blur together when everything feels too big.

Afternoon Lessons

I try. I always do. But when too many questions come at once, I melt inside.

If I wriggle, tap, or mumble, I’m not messing around I’m trying to keep control but I get into trouble for that. “sit still” “what is wrong with you” are the two main things said to me.

Sometimes people laugh at me when the Teacher shouts. That hurts. A lot. And then I do more silly things because I am trying to calm myself and this is the only way I know how. Wriggling, flicking, humming and stuff. It always gets me the wrong kind of attention. I just want to learn but no one is listening to me or my mum. I just want to be liked.

End of the Day

By the time I get home, my brain is fried. No matter how quiet my face looks, I’ve been holding it together all day.

Sometimes I cry in the bath. Sometimes I hide in my room and play Minecraft. Sometimes I sing, quietly, where no one can hear because I love it, but I’m scared of being seen and judged. My mum loves my singing, that makes me happy.

Things I Wish People Knew

I’m not naughty. I’m overwhelmed.
I will always do well if I can.
Just because I “look fine” doesn’t mean I feel fine.
Praise builds me. Shouting breaks me.
I’m not trying to avoid tasks, I’m trying to survive them.

I’m Good At…

Helping others
Baking (really well!)
Project managing stuff
Computers and building things
Being kind, loyal, loving, and funny
Singing (but only alone)
Being a great friend
Being ME

This is what it’s like. Every day. And all I ask is this: Please listen with patience. Please guide with kindness. Please teach with understanding, because I’m always trying. I want to be seen. Not just looked at and I do not want to cause trouble but trouble follows me, I don’t know why or how but I am always in it!

If you are a parent of a Neurodiverse child and need support getting SEN acknowledged within a school setting then check out our website here and / or join us in our closed facebook group here