When I was little I had auditory issues and could never settle at night. My Nan used to say I “run a marathon in bed” and she would often always say – if you want to know the truth, ask Andrea!!!! Bless her, she passed a long time ago and we used to stay weekends. Anyway, that was my memory of my childhood in terms of sensitivities.
Forward to my early teens: I had a group of five teenage friends in the early 80s and used to observe everything, everything they did, they said and how they acted, often cringing quietly. I was quite easily led but never missed a trick. I saw school as a social need, not an academic one. I had the capability – I just never applied it. I was too worried about fitting in and making sure my clothes were acceptable, alongside hair and makeup which, in terms of aptness for school, it was not. I mean, blue azure mascara was not really apt! But hey, I liked it – oh, the perm and the batwings too!
School reports used to always say, didn’t listen, talked too much and “If Andrea put as much energy into her work as she did her socials then she would be brilliant!!” School was not the place for me! I remember once getting slapped across the face from my maths teacher who was shouting in my face (because he couldn’t control the class). I told him he spat in my face whilst shouting and bam – my cheek came into contact with his grubby palm – red was an understatement. It was a generation that thought that was acceptable and nothing could be done, sadly. I can assure you if it was now then he would not be in a job! I don’t even think I told my mother; she had far more complex things to deal with. In fact, not once did she attend a parents’ evening at high school. It didn’t bother me then but it bothers me now!
Anyway, I digress. At 16 I went to secretarial college (to be like my mum who was a PA at the time). This was great. I left my friends behind (never looking back) and it’s only now I recall not really caring for them… Yes, good memories but mainly being taken advantage of by one particular girl who used me as her “test the water kind of friend”. If you ever read this then know this, I got the measure of you very early on but did what I did to survive early teens!
Anyhow, sadly, my motivation to follow a career like my mother’s soon changed to “not be like my mother” – whom I know now to have been undiagnosed AuDHD (she too has passed) – but I used that motivation to become the best I could possibly be. Lots of tests along the way but I liked being focused and didn’t have friends really until 19 years old and even then they were work colleagues disguised as friends. (yes I got the measure of you too) But that got me through to my late 20s by which time I had forged a great career and was earning (at that time) more than a GP or “professional” as I would deem it, had my own house, brand new car at 23. So, up yours school and up yours ‘old friends’ and ‘up yours’ Mr Maths Teacher!!!
I won’t say being a single pregnant mum (not how it started) was fun but I was self-sufficient and content. Fast forward to perimenopause and bam… It’s only now at 54 that I realise I masked, I lived, but I masked heavily and now… I realise I am AudHD too, just like my mum, just like my boy! I remember my son’s CAMHS psychiatrist (whilst going down his pathway) said to me that ND can hide right up until it can’t anymore… and menopause was that time for me.
Now I embrace my quirks, my directness, my whole being. Never make excuses for myself and love simply helping people, being on my own and forging paths for others. Maybe you too can relate to this story? It was definitely not as straightforward as I have depicted here but this is a blog after all and not a biography. Its purpose is to say:
BE YOU, BE WHO YOU WERE MEANT TO BE AND MOST OF ALL EMBRACE IT. WE ARE MEANT TO BE US!
Lots of love, warmth and solidarity ~ Andrea x
