SEN Parent’s Perspective – Author Sam Ryan – SEN Parent Support Group
A DIFFERENT PATH SHOWING GLIMMERS – In 6 days, we will reach the one-year anniversary of the worst day of my son’s life.
It was the day when, smack in the middle of year 5, his primary school days ended. He had a period of escalation leading up to that fateful day – refusing to do work at school, struggling to sleep, hiding under desks, pacing corridors, EBSA – but nothing could have prepared us for the abrupt end which led to him being unnecessarily restrained and traumatised. One year ago, my boy was broken.
It was awful, it felt like it would break our family. Our boy became aggressive, could barely talk at the beginning and was so clearly in mental anguish, barely existing day to day.
BUT … that is our past and not our future.
So, let me share with you some highlights from the last year
HOMESCHOOLING, UNSCHOOLING OR MINESCHOOLING
THEN : After it happened, I was still in that brainwashed state of ‘school is best’. I was panicking at the thought of my boy missing out on his education and wasting his future – his immensely smart brain was going to turn to mush without the daily dose of Roald Dahl’s The Twits or whatever other nonsense was being taught in the English lessons he detested. Although I knew that I had to focus on helping his nervous system to recover, I had the niggling worry that my boy’s entire future was ruined because he was not being taught his 13 times tables.
NOW : My boy spends most of his day playing Minecraft, Fortnite or using ChatGPT to research how to create mods. He has done more reading in the last few months than he would have ever done in school. He is learning PC skills and coding skills that will serve him better than understanding what the meaning of adverbial is or that ‘modal verbs’ are used to change the meaning of other verbs. I have been quite successful in life without having to know that conjunctions link two words or phrases together. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to start some formal learning again in the future, but I really do not care that he is missing sitting the SATs, that he isn’t learning Spanish or even that he may well sit some GCSEs at 19 and not 16. The future is not written yet and I am sure that his future will be filled with opportunities for him
THE UNEXPECTED WINS
A year ago, I would have thought that the word “wins” didn’t belong anywhere near our situation. But somehow, through the grief, chaos, and endless battles, we started noticing them.
He Talks Again – The child who was so overwhelmed he could barely form a sentence now talks non-stop about his latest Minecraft mods, Fortnite’s latest update and why he MUST have the latest CPU and GPU for his PC. Sometimes, I would quite like him to stop talking, but, progress is progress.
He’s Learning on His Own Terms– Without the pressure of school, he’s started learning again—because he wants to. He asks questions, follows his interests, and when he’s not gaming, he’s looking up how things work. It turns out that curiosity, when not crushed by a rigid curriculum, is a wonderful thing.
The Family is (Mostly) Intact– It nearly broke us. There were moments when I thought we wouldn’t recover and me and Tony would not survive the constant battles of how to parent our boy. But somehow, we did. We adapted. We fought. We cried. We found a new way to exist as a family, one where we are all still healing but also still standing.
Freedom from the System – I no longer wake up dreading school emails, meetings, or patronising “support plans” that do nothing. There is no longer a need to beg professionals to believe me when I say, “My child is struggling, please help.” We are now outside of that system, and with that comes a strange sense of relief.
PROUDLY BECOMING ‘THAT’ PARENT
At the start of this journey, I naively thought that being “that parent” just meant advocating for your child in a way that made everyone roll their eyes. I assumed, foolishly, that if I explained his needs clearly, the system would step in and help.
HAHAHAHAHA. No.
You Will Become an Expert in SEN Law – Not because you want to, but because if you don’t, your child will be left with nothing. I now know more about EHCPs (Education, Health, and Care Plans) than I ever wanted to. I have quoted law and regulations in emails. I have highlighted key sections of the SEND Code of Practice. I have completed my IPSEA SEN law training to level 3. This is a skill set I never asked for but, my goodness, I am blooming glad now that I have it and can help others.
You Will Be Called ‘Challenging’ – If you’re lucky, it will be said behind your back. If you’re unlucky, it will be said to your face in a patronising tone, as though advocating for your child is somehow unreasonable.
You Will Lose Trust in the System – The same system that claims to support children with additional needs will be the same system that blames, gaslights, and fails them. You will realise that their idea of “support” often translates to “How do we make this child fit into a system that is breaking them?”
You Will Find Your People– And thank goodness for that!!! Other parents who get it, who have walked this path before you, who send you information, support you through appeals, and reassure you that no, you’re not crazy, and yes, your child deserves better.
Looking Forward – GLIMMERS
In trauma recovery, there’s a concept called glimmers—the opposite of triggers. Small moments of hope. Fleeting, but powerful. And we’ve started to collect them.
- When he laughs. Like, really laughs. The kind that makes his whole face light up.
- When he asks to go outside. Because a year ago, he was too scared to leave the house.
- When he excitedly tells me about something he’s learned. Because for so long, learning was something that only caused stress.
- When he brushes his teeth. Teeth brushing has become slightly more optional than it once was
. - When we make plans for the future. Because for so long, I couldn’t see past the next day.
A year ago, I thought we had lost everything.
Now, I see we’ve just started rebuilding a better future for our amazing, talented, inquisitive and exceptional boy.
The system broke my son. But it didn’t break us.
And that, more than anything, is the victory.
