Trauma is not what happened to you, trauma is how your body responds to what happened!
Whilst we as SEND Parents, fight for our children and try very hard to protect them from further trauma, the toll on us can hit hard. The trauma lays dormant until such time that you actually believe you are okay, then BAM!!!
I have had my fair share of ‘BAMS’ over the past 14 years and just when I start to feel good – ‘BAM’ it raises its ugly head again. The inert need to stay strong for my boy prefaces everything I live and breathe for, but when this happens to me it literally ‘knocks me for six’.
For me, it starts with hypervigilance, where I will be defending and justifying everything, this phase passes and then the numbness creeps in filling me with emptiness, progresses to a paralysis one which is similar to burnout. I can’t engage, I struggle to think clearly and I am unable to perform the simplest of self-care tasks. Yet, whilst all of this is going on – I can’t let my son see.
As an AUDHD young man with complex trauma from his time at school, he needs his safe space to be consistent without any change in tone or visuality and he needs things to be predictable. So, I carry on in his presence. Some may argue that actually you can’t pour from an empty cup but SEND Parents can and continue to do so because what choice do we have, that is the reality is it not?
This last two weeks unbeknown to me have been ‘BAM’! I never recognise it, I don’t see it coming. It’s like childbirth to me, once passed then it’s passed until the next time. What’s different today? Well, I recognise it for what it is today and as I am getting older the impact takes longer to get over so it is like a grey area which allows me to be slightly conscious of my thoughts and I am able to reflect.
None of my ‘BAM’ is comparative to my boy’s, he is far worse and will always take priority. Just saying that makes me feel like I am neglecting me, but and it is a great big BUT – the reality of a SEND Parent is that we always take second place.
Years back in the midst of it all, I did seek out therapy and after about 6 sessions the Psychiatrist said “now is not the time to unpick this, because to do so means breaking you to build you back up”. I agreed because as a single parent there was only me! Yes, I had a long-term loving partner, now my husband however, no one gets to support your child like only you can and my son at the time was at peek burnout, it quite simply would not have worked. You also might argue that there is never a good time to seek support as a SEND Parent and you know what – I concur! I am sure that isn’t the case but it certainly is my reality or at least it feels that way.
Setting up SEN Parent Support Group in my son’s name, was my way of trying to prevent further trauma for your children and for you. No parent should have to go through what we go through whilst simply advocating for their rights, needs and education. In this, I find my emptiness has meaning, my purpose has meaning to children and families I will never probably meet. It makes me smile knowing that you may never experience the full battle package that schools and LA’s throw at you and that your children have every chance of getting their needs met sooner rather than later, ultimately reducing the impact of trauma.
Communicating With School
- LETTER: To School When They Enforce a Part Time Timetable Without Acknowledging Need
- LETTER: To School For Referral To OT/SALT/EP as Part of APDR Cycle
- RESOURCE: Eating Disorders and School Adjustments
- LETTER: Failure To Make Reasonable Adjustments Discrimination
- LETTER: Requesting Reasonable Adjustments
All Things EHCP
- Annual Review During Your Appeal?
- LETTER: To LA When They Fail to Give extra 15 Days After Their Amendments
- LETTER: To LA When They Use Specialist Advisory Service (SAS) INSTEAD of Educational Psychologist During EHCPNA Process
- LETTER: LA Failure To Notify If Issuing the plan
- RESOURCE: Moving Local Authorities
Attendance, Exclusions & Sanctions
Complaints
- LETTER: Formal Complaint for RTC Pause
- LETTER – Enforcing Interim Education S43 with LA + Escalation Letter + Tribunal Request
- LETTER: To School When Whole School Approach To Adjustments Is Not Applied Consistently (IEP or EHCP)
- RESOURCE: LGO Outcomes
- LETTER: Right to Choose Rejection 3 Step Complaints Letters
